Defeating the Demon

I wrote this shortly after Everything blowing up with Jennifer and Ian and them:

Defeating the Demon Within

1. Motivation (Define):

I cheated on Jennifer Doss. The girl I have been infatuated with for years, the girl I thought of when having sex with others. The girl that I love. But more importantly, I’m 32 years old and each year that passes will make it more difficult to defeat this demon. If I do defeat it, I can lead a fullfilled, happy life, and raise strong children who can go out into the world and spread goodness and love. If not, I will suffer, and continue to hurt the ones closest to me, and raise children that will carry on this legacy. I have named my life code to make the world a net positive due to my existence within it, and if I am to live to this code, this demon must die. I have made good impacts on people and the world, but I have also made many bad impacts. Those who love me, be they friends or lovers, see a potential or a beacon, but I cannot give more than that in this current state. I must become a whole person.

Full definition of the demon should arise in Analyze phase.

2. Symptoms of the Demon ( (Neuroses), Measure)

a. Addiction and Substance Abuse

i. Addiction to tobacco, alcohol, abnormal sexual desire. From what I read, all addictions are symptoms of something deeper. They provide an escape from these underlying issues and allow the mind to relax into a set routine. This routine becomes familiar, autonomous and the deeper issues do not get resolved. The addictive routine is also a downward spiral; it takes more each time to achieve numbness and new acts of dishonesty to one’s self and others provide more motivation to continue the addiction. Addiction is a result of impulsive behavior, or the lack of self control (see below).

Alcohol does remove social pretences and makes space for people to speak their mind and connect. I have long loved getting drunk with people to get to know them, to bond and understand their true person. But it also provides a numbness to emotional pain and reaility itself. I feel that as the twenties of mine and my peers have slid away, some have moved to using alcohol to numb, rather than to relax. I personally seem to lose my moral code when I get drunk alone, and move to other impulsive decisions (like cheating). While I don’t think I’m an alcoholic (I don’t need to drink to be happy or function, and when I go some days without drinking, there are no withdrawal symptoms), I have come slowly over the past several years to drink heavily and often, to the detriment to my body and mind. And it spells a need for escape from normal life and problems. My close friend group drinks heavily and smokes a lot of pot - I think we are all escapists and trying to ignore our real issues. I think all of us have some sort of fucked up childhood and connect in that, though binge drinking (or drugs) are not allowing us to help each other deal with our issues. In all, I don’t think we’ve made any progress with each other to deal with our respective demons. I suppose at the root of it, its a personal journey.

Tobacco has been in my life since I was eight years old. I remember my first drag at eight, at my uncle Mark’s house. He had left a cigarrette burning in the ashtray and my cousin David dared me to take a hit and I did. I started smoking regularly around age 13 and have been smoking ever since. I’ve quit once for six months, once for three, and once for one month. I do excersize regularly, even completed a half marathon this year, though the tolls are becoming more apparent. I see early wrinkles in my skin, and I’m sure my heart and lungs are not in a good state. I constantly think about quitting, have quit many times this year even, but am weak and give in to my impulses (see below). If I am to have a healthy life and family I have to give up this habit, if my children picked it up from me.. that would be terrible. And Jennifer takes drags from my cigarrettes, I assume so kissing me isn’t so disgusting. I am bringing unhealthy traits to others.

Abnormal sexual desire.

Pornography and masturbation. I watch a lot of pornography (though not in this last week since Jennifer and I split..) and sleep with women I have no respect for (like Priya). Pornography and masturbation have become a tool to help me sleep at night, though I feel guilt about watching it. I realize it even came to bring problems into my relationship with Jennifer as I wouldn’t have the libido to keep up with her, because I masturbate almost nightly (also cigarettes cause impotence from lowering blood flow…). I know that the women in pornography are being taken advangate of, and feel the guilt sometimes while watching it, and self loathing. I also know that masturbation has a huge stigma of guilt that comes with it for many including myself, when it shouldn’t.. anyone who doesn’t admit they masturbate is lying. I’ve never liked thinking of current, past, or possible future lovers when I masturbatte because of this guilt, and prefer to think of strangers I’ve seen on the street or girls in porn videos. It feels like I’m disrespecting them when I masturbate thinking of them.

Sleeping with women I don’t respect or love. Many have done that. I think I choose them because of fear of rejection and power. I don’t care about them so there is nothing to lose, and there are very low odds of rejection. What I get from it is a sense of power, some sick sense that I’m better than them and have full control. I only date women whom I respect, because I have emotional and intellectual needs that are much stronger than sex alone; I desire for that human connection that we all yearn for. People have mentioned to me that maybe monogamy is not right for me and thats ok.. but I do want a loving commited partner and to raise a strong family.

Cheating. I cheated on Jennifer. I’ve cheated on past lovers. Why do I do it? When I’m drunk or high and in that state of mind to cheat, I don’t feel honorable enough for the women I love, for who I’m in a commited relationship. I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m too drunk or high, or yell at me for being that way. And maybe they should, right? So its putting myself in a state where I’m not proud and not thinking clearly that leads me to it. Or at least leads me away from my lover. Its also from some desire for multiple partners. I’ve read before that from an evolutionary standpoint, its in men’s best interests to spread their seed are and wide to propagate their genetics, but its in a woman’s best interest to keep one male mate, in order to increase the odds of raising offspring to maturity. But is not society all about overcoming our lower evolutionary urges? In a healthy state of mind, I am strong and don’t give in to, much less notice these desires. When I am down and drunk or high and weak, its then that these lower urges gain control. Is the demon my inability to control my natural urges? A small percentage, maybe — but thats not the real issue.

b. Impulsivity (may could fit into addiction or maybe addiction fits into this) Central feature of ADHD. Complete Barratt Impulsivity Scale

c. Overly Sensitive

I think constantly about those that have wronged me verbally, and fantasize about future things they might say. Stoics and insults.

d. Inability to be deserving of love

e. Moral weakness

f. Fear

g. Evidence:

h. Anxiety

3. Root Cause of the Demon (Analyze)

a. 5 why’s

b. Pareto Chart?

c. Self Worth

d. Childhood

4. Defeating the Demon (Implement)

a. Tools

i. Meditation

ii. Good acts for others

iii. Therapy

iv. Talking with friends

V. Building Willpower

b. Learning to love myself

c. Who I want to be and how to get there

5. Keeping the Demon Defeated (Control)

a. Periodic reassessment

b. Outside view? - therapy, friends

c. Some psychology test of self image that can be taken over and over