Journal

2013-08-11

I’m trying out this journalling thing because I keep reading on the web how good it is for you… But this time, trying to keep positive in the entries.. So here’s my list of the top 5 things I did yesterday that make me awesome: 1. Started a journey of self improvement 2. Learned some spanish and keeping healthy competition with Jason 3. Slept deeply and periodically. 4. Didn’t drink!well, except for half a hair of the dog beer in the morning. 5. Reached out to lisa and Allison.

Today: 1. Got target credit card?! Well, I usually say no at the register, but I had a cool interaction with the checkout girl and saved $6 on my purchases. 2. Fixed my oil gauge without fucking anything up!

Ways to work on being awesome: 1. Goal setting 2. Cocoon: imagine in a cocoon with person you are talking to. 3. Fitness. 4. Journal 5. 3 gratitudes a day 6. Meditation. 7. Random acts of kindness

Fear vs. anxiety: The last time I genuinely felt fear was the last time I went scuba diving. Because I was scared of immediate danger. The last time my anxiety peaked was at work and Kenner put the pregnancy test in my mail box. I thought it was a drug test from work for a moment. I might second guess thAt fear one as anxiety because there was no great immediate danger, just a weirdly developed phobia.

2013-08-13 1. Got a nice email from a prospective client about how helpful I was in explaining international certification. 2. Had a good interaction with Vince. 3. Haven’t smoked or drank today. 4. My house is beautiful!

2013-08-15. To stay with Elizabeth or to go..

I’ve always had doubts with dating women, from Esther onwards, maybe even before. I jump from woman to woman from fear of being alone, and then abhor the one I’m with. The subject of this entry is not to find the root cause of that issue, but to decide if I should stay with Elizabeth or not. We’ve always had a good connection and she brings out the good spiritual side in me, we’ll ill attach a photo of the good bad list. I wouldn’t live the big amazing life I want with her, but I’m not living that life right now anyway. Would I if we split up? Is true lasting love in the books for me? Could I learn to be happy with her? Could I learn to be happy with anyone? I’m getting older, the desire for success and adventure is becoming balanced with the desire for a calm satisfied life. How will Elizabeth push me? Not intellectually, but definitely spiritually. She does make me laugh at times… But lots of the things I think about I feel I can’t share with her, at least politics, new science. She does appreciate art and music, my intellectual friends don’t stimulate that side in me. May the worst part is that I often don’t want to have sex with her. Is that because I’m not attracted or because of some mental block? I’ve never had that problem before, maybe it’s because I’m getting older. If i stayed with her and somehow opened up, would that go away? I feel I’m near a spiritual awakening. Would I love her more on the other side of that awakening?

We split up in the past because I didn’t feel in love, and then just sort of slid back into the regular scheme kind of on accident, without really dealing with any of that. And now it has come back around full circle. When we were in Costa Rica, I was sure that i should leave her, but the timing wasn’t right as her family was in trouble and she needed support. Why am I hesitant now? I’m scared to be alone, that’s surely part of it. But this same internal conversation has gone on before past breakups. Do you love her?

2013-08-23 Was productive at work Read Put rain shield on truck Ran Went out with Camille.

2013-08-27 I’m afraid of being alone. When I’m with a girl, all I want is to be alone.

2014-04-16 I am awesome in that I got into Stanford! Oddly enough though, I’m not searching for money or preparing in any of the myriad ways I need to (living, networking, immunizations, etc etc etc). I’m not sure why I’m not preparing, but something in me really doesn’t want to do it. Dating Jennifer Doss, who is a great woman. We get along well intellectually and physically. Really well. Though at times I want to be alone still, or have huge desires to sleep with other women. At this stage of my life, I’m chalking it up to nature, and my challenge as a society living individual is to overcome the urges to sleep with as many women as possible. 5 ways I’m awesome: 1. Got into Stanford 2. Fixing dryer and lawnmower 3. Moving to not smoking 4. Ran a 1/2 Marathon!!! 5. Have an awesome girlfriend.

2014-05-06 Got into a fight with my friend Jason at work on Friday. Jason, like a lot of guys, has the habit of giving me a lot of little snide remarks. Name calling, such as bitch, shirt tucker, music snob.. when we are around other people, he seems to always have some smartass comment to punk me or put me down in other poeple’s eyes. Why does he do that, and what is it about that personality type that makes people do that? How do I act competetively and punk people and why do I do it? Why is it I let my emotions boil over and end friendships over people doing this? They always seem to act like they were t-boned when I finally ‘strike back’ as in telling them off. Usually when I do, its hard and fast and extremely direct. I think most of the time I act more passive about not liking what people say.. I feel like I’m showing discontent when people do this shit to me, but they apparently don’t pick up on it, or at least some don’t. What I need to figure out is how to nip it early and with less emotion. And probably I bring that behavior on in some way, I think when I’m up and happy I’m doing the exact same thing. Actually, I bet thats more to the point. When I’m up and happy I’m punking people and giving little insults, and when I’m down I can’t stand to hear them from others, and further steam over it with toxic thinking. A bit hypocritical I know.

Goals: 1. Stop insulting others.

Meditation can probably help with this - it will increase my self awareness and maybe help me to stop when I’m getting into the act of ‘giving people a hard time’

2. Stop caring as much when people insult me.

Self esteem. I put too much worth into what others think or say about me and can’t stand public humiliation. How can I build my self esteem?

3. Learn how to stop people from insulting me without ruining my friendships.

Hopefully if I’m not insulting others, they won’t see it as a game and reciprocate. And I think others see me get mad, they (albeit probably unconciously) keep doing it to add to their ‘power’ or coolness or status.. yes I think its status. So to let them know its not cool without getting mad.. thats the trick.

2014-06-26 In an email to Jennifer: You and I had both said we were going to stay in that night, and that was my original intention.

I bought 3 tallboys on the way home and started drinking as soon as I arrived. I decided to call Ian to see if he wanted to come over and smoke a bowl. He said he’d stop by for a minute because he was going to Sam’s, but that he’d bought a lot of adderol and was going to go home and take it.

He stopped by and I was already pretty buzzed. He said we should play beer pong so we went to Sams and a gas station and got beer and beer pong stuff.

We smoked weed and played and took some adderol. I was getting pretty fucked up at that point so it gets a little fuzzy. He suggested we take all the adderol and have a weird night, like watching porn and masturbating. I conceded. He said he’d always wanted to do this with me. We then went to a sex shop and bought a lot of dildoes and something you sniff to make you high.

We got back and started watching porn and using the dildoes on ourselves. Neither of us got erect while together that night. We tried jacking each other off. He put his mouth on my flaccid penis. I did the same to him. Those were each about 10 seconds in duration. I tried kissing him but we both didn’t like that.

We continued drinking and watching porn and sniffing that stuff and using dildoes on ourselves. We both talked about girls (including Priya) and both talked about trying to get one to come over. He started searching the gay section of craigs list. Nothing came of it.

Around 5am he decided to leave and shortly after he did, I then called Priya.

— best, Lewis Guignard

2014-06-27

A dream: last night Jennifer found out about my gay drug filled night w Ian (see above). She seemed to get over it very quickly, though we had just gotten through the Priya thing. I was completely emotionally drained after, and had this wonderful dream that woke me up at 3:30 am this morning and I stayed up.

In the dream I’m at a cabin surrounded by water in some beautiful place. There are trees nearby, but not many, mostly this turquoise clear water that was coming up from a spring, or it must have because I laid in the water on top of a hill. I saw several dolphins slowly swimming down and away. I was working with a guy, an older man, but never saw his face. And there was a woman there, very beautiful, though I didn’t see her face either. We saw a beaver and the man pet it. Camille was living across the street with a Frenchman, and the girl and I went there. Everything was beautiful and peaceful.

2015-01-31

Letters to those I obsess about being wronged from.

At Stanford now, still with Jennifer. My therapist tells me I should try setting time aside to rage in a journal (or of course, just write more frequently). I keep getting angry at Brian, Jennifer, Ian, Jason, my father, Allison, my mom. Mostly for things in my head, remembering things they said or did long ago that made me angry. Anyway, my therapists said that writing it out helps to get it out, so I’ll try that for a bit.

Brian: Brian, you dumb shut motherfucker. You’re so proud to ignore or play down anything I do. You brag about the time you all blew off my graduation, brag about ignoring my trips, my hobbies, anything I do. You’re completely unconscious, especially when you get high. You only care about yourself and your wants, and to remind yourself how you are better than everyone else. When I brought Elizabeth to the beach trip, you just bragged about how you all stood me up on my graduation, how you were cumming all over the chicken you cooked, how much better your cooking was than mine. You hit on my neighbor in front of Terrell, and putting Terrell down. I left some weed at your house and you smoked it all up without an apology, an idea to give me some back, any second thought. You’re such a piece of shit, you just yell and laugh maniacally. You may have cool hobbies and a cool house, but you’re so fucked up and such a dick, they don’t outweigh how rude and shitty you are. I’m so glad you’re out of my life now; that I don’t have to hear those insults like yelling on my birthday about my clothes or that the person on the phone call wasn’t there. I should have broken your nose so many times. You’ve taught me to hate you. And I do. You may have some family problems but that doesn’t give you the freedom to go out and be a complete dick. For all these reasons, I’m so happy you’re out of my life, and don’t expect to see you again ever. Piece of ass. Why did you insult me so much? Why are you so quick to laugh and point and berate? You are so unconscious, a selfish prick whose main intent is to promote himself.. well, I’m worn out hearing your shit. And I’m happy I don’t have to hear it anymore. Its too bad we couldn’t bond over making stuff and doing things, you’re fucking ego and insultive behavior ruined that. I’m surprised Terrell stays with you, for all the bullshit you pull. Thank god I’ve moved on, and don’t have to hear your shit anymore.

Jason: Jason you dumb piece of shit. You don’t know what the definition of friendship is. You try to butter me up to my face, then go talking shit behind my back. No wonder your wife doesn’t respect you, you are not deserving of respect. I was foolish in listening to your compliments, to introducing you to people like Caroline, and you take that and try to compete with me for her?! You’re married you stupid fuck. You compete with me for Caroline, you compete with you’re coworkers for me, you compete with your wife for Corbin’s favor, you’ll soon start competing with Corbin to be the smartest or whatever. Its pathetic. Maybe you should get over your ego and stop being so unconscious, because you’ll never have a real relationship or marriage until you do.

2015-02-02

Allison: Allison, you’ve let me down in my childhood. Admittedly, our mom was harsh on both of us, and put more responsibility on you. But you took that and were cruel and mean to me. You hit me, got our cousins to team up on me, got me in trouble for things that didn’t occur, or things you did, but didn’t want to get into trouble for. You apologized for this when I was in high school, but the damage was done. You think you had it hard with mom, but I’m pretty sure I had it double hard as our father wasn’t so nice to me as you. You’ve always been daddy’s little girl. But daddy didn’t break your arm and leave you that way for the weekend, he didn’t pour beer on your head in public, tell you you were weak, mentally bully you. I had no-one to turn to; one would think at the least a sibling would give me solace, but you did not. But you were a child and seeking comfort and belonging any way you knew how. And if that included making a common target of me, you used that in your repertoire.

Mom:

In a way, the worst one of all. You withheld the comforts and graces of a mother from me. You screamed and yelled and spanked at will. You used and still use guilt and love as tools. You are so fucking selfish: you took an old woman’s cat and dropped it off across town to die because it was beating up your own cat. And then you got some free furniture off of her when she died some years later. WTF, that is just sick, mom! And you use your childhood as an excuse; as some veil to hide behind so that you are not responsible for any of your own actions. You are a human and endowed with the ability of choice. You spent your whole life taking on the victim’s persona, and in the process neglected and emotionally abused your children. Good fucking work you stupid fat bitch. Why did you bring all those loser men to the house; we’re lucky we didn’t get sexually abused from those fuck-ups.. how did you get a graduate degree in psychology, only to fall prey to a fucking pyramid scheme con-man? Because you’ve made some sick fairy land to live in, and reject any natural truth outside of that. You passed on the damage of your father. Good fucking job, lazy bitch. Now you want your children to gather around and love and pity you, well too bad. You’ve made your bed and now you can lie in it.

Dad:

Jennifer: Ian: Manisha:

Who do you think you are? You are a fat, priviledged little pig, a planet of fat, oscillating between pointing and laughing at others to whining and being defensive on how the world treats you so poorly. I think you’re brain is missing some pretty important parts; like logic and empathy. You talk so much behind people’s backs, and I’m sure in your little fatty stoner mind, you’re doing them favors or just trying to help. And who the fuck do you think you were thinking that we’d get together? Jealous, so you wanted to sabatoje my relationship with Jennifer? Well she see’s your bullshit and through it. And I certainly do too, and am happy I don’t have to hear your little manipulative, passive aggressive comments anymore. All the manipulative shit you’ve pulled over the years. Asking me in a group text to pick up drugs from people I don’t know, telling me I don’t get beer if I get tired moving your broke fat ass around town. You brought nothing positive to my life; just some guilt and weird feelings, and I’m glad I’ve moved away to get my shit straight. I hope you finally fall from that fat princess-hood your parents seemed to endow upon you, and realize you’re no better than the rest of us mortals, and quit shitting on people. Fuck you Manisha you sloppy little pig.

Jesse: You think you’re so cool, don’t you. With your music and your hair and your skinny pants. We all have been friends for over 10 years; why do you still feel the need to compete for the alpha? I thought we’d evolved beyond that. You seem like you’ve become embittered, or maybe you’ve always been like this. I dunno… but don’t take it out on me. Lisa and Krista think you’re cool already, trying to put me down isn’t going to make you look any cooler. I’m doing my best to not let this get me down, but I hope you don’t act like a dick when you guys visit…

Floor: Emily:

2015-02-08

I was feeling pretty good about things this week; but not doing much social stuff. Yesterday Jennifer got high with Manisha and Paul and was telling me how much fun it was, then she went out to see a dance performance with this guy Eric, who’s pretty obviously wanting to date her. She was telling me how much fun she had. Fuck Manisha and Fuck Eric and Fuck Jennifer if she can’t see how that’s hard for me. She gets all jealous if I hang out with Meredith, who has a boyfriend.. Meredith and I hang one on one at times but also hang with other people. Jennifer seems only to go on these one on one dates with Eric. And when he came to the new years eve thing, it seemed pretty obvious he wants her. How can Jennifer be so insensitive to be bragging about how much fun she’s having with Manisha and Eric? What a fucking bitch. I’m sure she’ll say something about how I’m a loser or something. Maybe I am.. why do I burn so many bridges? Alex, Elliot, Emily, Manisha, Ian, Rachel, Sam.. what am I doing wrong? And why do I doubt myself so much? I get mad a people and blow up on them, and push them away. Why am I getting so mad at them? They insult me, almost invariably. Rachel and Sam are exceptions: Rachel is a scorned lover, and I just insulted Sam really badly in public (which wasn’t a nice thing to do).

It seems I’m really passive and internalize a lot of stuff, get really mad about people’s insults to my, my pride, but I try to hold it in and it festers. Then I either blow up on those people, or it comes out in some other way, not a nice way. I thought in my early twenties I was much better off in terms of friends and lovers, but I don’t think I was. I cheated, slept with abandon, drank too much etc. And I had a really good, supportive friend group. I guess now I don’t have said support group, and have turned several friends away, so the truth is more bare.

I don’t want to do mean things and hurt people, I want to be a good person and be loved and love other people. How do I get all this bad chi out of my body so I can be happy and not so easily influenced by others? Writing helps to get it out. Hopefully meditation as well, doing that today so thats good…

I just joined a reddit group called ‘Anger’ where you post about anger and anger management. I put up a post, kind of reaching out to others.

2015-02-25 - filling in more angry rants above. It feels good to get it off my chest, to vent it out. I can feel my anger rising, but I think some of its actually getting out while typing. Just let myself say whatever I want.. no judgement.. while in the back of my mind, I can see the illogical parts of what I’m typing in anger.. its still good to type them, in hopes that those thoughts will stop circulating in my mind.

2015-04-02 I do have hesitations about our long term viability, and that’s what you keep noticing. I try to keep those doubts internal, because I don’t know that sharing them will help our relationship, but you keep seeing them and asking, so in fairness and full disclosure, I will share.

In all my relationships it has been the same: after the ‘honeymoon’ phase, I start to doubt the relationship and pull back emotionally, bringing about distance between us. You, my partner, witness this and get scared and have anxiety, which furthers distances us and makes intimacy that much more difficult.

There are parts of your personality that make me uneasy. When you drink, you say really cruel things. You have these dark moods where you are cruel and overly critical. You don’t seem to have much remorse for things you say or do that hurt me. I’ve done the worst, but have tried hard to make amends, got into therapy, and wrote off my ‘core’ group of friends. Friends you still like to sit around and get high with.

I don’t think we are that sexually compatible.

You don’t seem to do that much on your own initiative; you did take that painting class, but didn’t show up to many of them, and thats the first thing I’ve seen you do like that. Most else is drinking too much and going to school, which your boss micromanages you into doing.

 

2015-04-26

Jason texted me ‘you suck!’ and then called me and greeted ‘whats up, dumbass.’  Its thrown me into a spiral of anger for the whole week.  I get angry at myself for being angry, for not being resilient and letting him get to me.  But after talking with my therapist, and I guess some common sense, I’m not really angry at him, he’s just bringing to the surface some childhood anger.  My therapist says he is ‘grist for the mill,’  that his annoyances are good fodder to work on personal growth.  But I let my anger spin out of control.. how to let it out?  One way is this writing:  Jason, you’ve violated my trust.  You don’t really want a friend; you want someone to ‘punk’, someone to talk shit to and about, so that you might feel better about yourself.  I’ve tried telling you in as many ways as I know that these insults don’t work for me, but you aren’t getting the point.  You seem to think that you can argue with me and win, win the ability to insult me.  You say ‘I’m trying to pull you down to my level,’  and think that makes it okay.. what the fuck man, that still involves constantly insulting me and trying to punk me and bring me down.  You see its effects on me, but that doesn’t seem to bother you, in fact it seems to feed you.  Well fuck you Jason, thats not how friends work.  Friends don’t constantly put down, insult, punk each other.  Friends don’t drive wedges in between people (read: me and Caroline).  Friends don’t talk shit about their friends behind their back, and eventually to their faces.  I truly pity you, that you think this is how friendships work, for it shows you’ve not had many (or any?) real friendships in your life, just people you alternate between sucking up to and insulting, to build your weak ass ego as you see fit.   I see you now for who you are, Grima, wormtongue in lord of the rings.  I don’t mean to insinuate that I am kingly, or supposed to be king Theoden, but that you saw something strong or popular in me at UL and decided to latch on, to start some long manipulative path of becoming my friend and then talking trash about me behind my back, and trying to pull me down.  You are a coward and a false-friend.  I’ve been weak, and you decided at those times to attack me emotionally and socially, for what?  So you can feel better about yourself?  I free myself from your spell and move forward on my own path.  I wish you luck on yours.  I was foolish to let you get on as much as you did with your manipulative and deceitful ways; and let it take sway on my happiness.  It was foolish to confide in you, but your ways are sneaky and slimy, and you found a soft-spot in me to manipulate.  As I grow strength, that soft spot closes, and your appealing to my need for acceptance and love lessens.

And with that response, I hope to burn off some of the anger towards Jason.  He is a person as much as I am, with desires, dreams, needs.  Its just his methods of obtaining them involve putting others down and manipulating.  That is not evil or uncommon, merely unhealthy.. and I need to turn away from such negativity and toward a more noble path.

Why does it upset me so much?  This violation of my friendship and trust goes back to the violation of my needs as a child for love and acceptance.  Jason’s ‘ousting’ of me brings up waves (tidal!) waves of reminders of my mom, dad, and sister all insulting, berating, physically and emotionally abusing me.  Little Lewis was left alone and isolated, and made to feel worthless in the times that people from healthy families were getting love, affection, and a sense of belonging.  No one was/is at fault.. no one ever is.  Mom was sexually/physically abused as a child and that can fuck someone up for life.  Dad’s mom was crazy.  Allison was coping the best she could.   But that doesn’t change the fact that Allison had at least solace in dad, someone to love her and give her belonging.  And instead of reaching out and giving me a hand, she threw me down, and pointed and insulted herself.  This was her method of coping.

2015-06-10

Jennifer just left this morning after a 5 day visit. We went up into Yosemite National Park to backpack for a few days. She got another UTI right after getting here, which turned the trip into basically rushing around for several days: hiking in to camp, then waking up and hiking out because of its flaring up. I initially did not get upset, but as the trip was cut short and made a rush, I got very annoyed with her. My thoughts turned to (as they usually do with lovers) how to get out of the relationship, doting on all the bad things about her and what shortcomings she has. It made for a generally stressful trip, ending with a fight and not very much affection. Jennifer, like the ones before her, loves me very much and wants to settle down and start a family. She is moving out here to CA, once she finds a job. She has said she would do it were I here or not, but I fear as her job searches are still not coming up with results, she may be better off to stay in NC. She is the only person I am really close to at the moment, the only real confidant I have, other than my therapist. I fear for my sanity if her and I broke up. But that is quite selfish of me.. and I also want her to have a full and happy life. If I do not love her, I must let her go for both of us, in order that we might both find life partners more suitable. I am getting closer to defeating my demons, overcoming the bad hand of a childhood I was dealt. On the other side, where is the family and happiness that I so desire?

July 7, 2015

On vacation in NC, and in the triangle currently. I had lunch with Jason and Michael yesterday, and have been fuming at Jason all afternoon and evening.. its 5am and I awoke thinking about it. I’m not sure how he gets so lodged into my mind, but I hate it, it makes me depressed that my well-being is so fragile and in a dick like his hands. So I’ll write about it here in the wee hours to hopefully get him off my mind. He made some comment as I walked in the door to get Michael and his son to laugh at me, then made some comment about my clothes being the same thing I wore last time, then later prying into my grades, suggesting I was failing last quarter. Not a big deal on any of the comments, but no nice ‘hey man, hows it going’… no friendly anything.. just petty bullshit. He applies a constant pressure of being a dick and that’s what makes it worse each infraction. Its not worth my happiness to be tied up with someone like that. I’m obviously not going to change his behavior, and whats more, its not even my job. I so want Michael and Caroline to see Jason for the dick he his, but he’s admittedly done a good job orchestrating himself to be a cool guy to them, while being a dick to only me. And again, its not my job for them to see that, or for Jason to change and not be such a dick. My job is to keep Lewis happy, and surround myself with people I love and respect and give the same in return. Jason, you’re a loser. And your way to deal with it is to clutch onto people and then stand on them to try to bring yourself up. You are Grima Wormtongue. You are the archetypal sycophant. You seek my pity by telling me how you’re depressed or how things aren’t well with your family, but with the other hand, you seek out constant petty insults to throw at me, literally constantly, and put me down behind my back. Its not my job to stand around and listen to that shit. You’ve one less friend and I know you know the reason. I know you secretly see that you’re a loser, a grey spineless worm, and thats why you feel bad about yourself. But you don’t seem to see that talking trash about others and putting people down only confirms your suspicions that you indeed are a loser, and don’t have any true friends. I cast you from my circle of friends, from my Christmas card list, my life. Go on slithering elsewhere; I’ve not time for this bullshit anymore. Go fuck yourself Jason Mauldin.

August 17, 2015

I’ve been back at Stanford for a month or so now. What a whirlwind. In my vacation in NC mentioned above, I proceeded to the beach to spend a couple days with my dad, sister, and her kids, and had something like a near breakdown. That on top of fuming about Jason… Then Jennifer bailed on coming to Charlotte with me, bailed via text message making up some bullshit excuses. When I got back to the triangle, we broke up. I initiated it but she quickly agreed. She didn’t support me at all with my rough time with both Jason and my family.. I think her patience had run out. Anyway, we broke up and I came back here to study. I’ve been up and down. I got this bad habit of getting drunk and smoking cigarettes in the bathroom (oh yeah, I started smoking again in Charlotte). It really just makes me more depressed but I guess its a compulsive behavior thats comfortable.

Now Jennifer finally got a job in South SF, so is moving out in a couple of weeks. I told her I’d help in any way I could. She’s asked me to ask Meredith to keep an eye out for room-mates etc, and she may move in with Tyler and Nadine.. it feels almost like when Floor and I broke up, and Floor wanted to visit my friends… I felt like she was stealing them from me.. and I felt weak and jealous when knowing Jennifer will live in the city with them and probably have really cool friends and life will be great for her. I on the other hand can’t make any decent friends, won’t put up with people like Tyler, or am over-reactive, think about suicide and spend a lot of time alone. And the funny thing is, I know I could have her back.. I’m jealous of her social success.. but if I got back with her, I’d feel trapped and unfulfilled again.

I’ve gone on a few dates with other women but its becoming obvious that I’m not ready. This time feels a whole lot like when Floor and I broke up, and I haven’t done much growning since then. Well, I know a thing or two now, at least I’m more aware and trying to conciously follow the same trends as last time. Don’t make or hang out with unhealthy friends.. work on yourself.. don’t run to another woman for comfort / ego.. learn to feel.. try to remember the moment.. keep trying to make good valuable friends.

I also keep getting angry with my sister and my dad in my mind from the beach. Its funny that over the last couple days it keeps bothering me and fuming up… Let me describe the situation: My dad, sister, nephew and I are working on a puzzle. The three of them are at the coffee table on the main puzzle, I am next to them at a smaller table working on a sub-section. My dad tells a story about when he took some boy trick-or-treating. The boy was about 8 years old and wanted my dad to come to the door with him. My dad kept saying ‘sure’ or ‘yes’, but when the boy walked up to the door, my dad would turn back. He said the boy some years later told my dad he remembered that night strongly and my dad asked : “did you learn the lesson?” This struck deeply in me, for my dad has often gone back on his promises, lied to me, let me down, and generally shown me I don’t have worth. I can’t imagine what healthy ‘lesson’ he thinks he was teaching. So anyway, I’m sitting there and a wave of empathy is running over me.. then my sister and dad make a few comments on how I’m on the outside (of the puzzle, group), and I am physically off to the side. It was too much to bear, so I get up, walk outside and try to read for a while. I can’t read, my head is just buzzing and I’m trying not to burst into tears. After 30 minutes or so, I feel like I’ve regained some composure and walk back into the house. My sister immediately walks up yelling “what do you think you’re doing walking away from the puzzle without saying goodbye?” I tell her “back the fuck up, allison” immediately “don’t curse in this house”, “back away” “don’t curse in this house!” I walk into my room and start packing, not able to stop the buzzing in my head. I sit there for a while, then go outside and sit for a while again. My dad comes out and starts talking about [I just burst into tears.. thinking about what I would say to my dad.. think it was a good thing] other stuff to try and calm me down. He’s trying to help and I really appreciate it, but he’s also one of the main culprits of my low self esteem and shitty childhood. I go watch the twins go parasailing with the rest, and then drive on down to Charleston.

I’m going to an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting tomorrow, pretty nervous but also really glad I’m being proactive about this stuff. Hopefully I can find some people to confide in there; because I’m not having too much luck with the engineers Ha!

8/19/2015

Its Wednesday night and I’m drinking alone in the bathroom again. I drink here because I can smoke with the fan on.. I’m in the studio apartment for the summer, enjoying the last bit of my own place before Winson and I share an apartment. I went to an Al-anon meeting Monday and Tuesday and tonight I went to an ACoA meeting, definitely more my style (at least more my problem). People there seem to have it better and worse than I, but everyone is working on their issues actively, and thats both brave and inspiring.

When I was young. I have only a few memories of living in the trailer.. a doublewide, when Mom and Dad were still together. I remember walking from my bedroom to mom and dad’s in the dark, presumably to get into bed with them. Remember my Granny once saying to get to bed on Christmas eve because Santa wouldn’t come if we were still awake. She said she could hear the bells of his sleigh. I recall looking out of the window of the bathroom. When the pond froze, it only froze half-way and dad had us on it in a sled, but I was worried about getting too close to the non-frozen half. Playing hide and seek or something like it and my cousin David and Allison found a snake in the tall grass. My dad catching a snapping turtle in a net and it snapping its way through the net. Our dogs.. there is a photo of me with a black one, but I remember a golden one, dimly. Sitting on the back porch in shorts and thinking they were too short. I somehow associate Rachel Englestad with that. Sitting near the television, and mom was standing behind the couch. I was sucking my thumb and she told me to stop. I was amazed she saw me because the couch was between us, but I could see her from the waist up. A child’s logic.. I remember dad spanking me and mom yelling at him because I was bleeding. I remember eating dinner, sitting at the bar peninsula of the kitchen, and my sister saw a spider on me and freaked out.. and then I think my mom freaked out. Spiders scare her, are a symbol of fear for her. And I remember the lights of the trucks, the moving trucks as they moved us to Waterbury in the city.

Waterbury

Dad’s Apartment

Dad’s house on Oakdale

Irwin

Manhassett

UUCC

Piedmont

West Charlotte

Erickson Road

Esther

Steak and Ale

Living with Dad, Team Charlotte Motorsports

Living with Eric

New Zealand

Living in Charleston

Common Market

Living with Emily

Central America

Floor

Living at Mom’s

Living with Alex

Working with Darrell, Mike, Carpe Diem

Asia

Living in Amsterdam

Moving to the Triangle

NCSU

Rachel

Germany

UL

Elizabeth

Jennifer

California, Stanford

8-27-2015 Strengths of mine: 1. In good physical shape 2. Eats well 3. Takes spectacular notes 4. Intelligent - Valedictorian in Physics, currently at top engineering school in the nation. 5. Cares for others, am there for friends 6. Have travelled to 25 countries 7. Good at spelling / grammar 8. Well read 9. Gifted at understanding people 10. good at computers 11. good at fixing mechanical things 12. good at carpentry 13. good at art / drawing 14. biked across NC / through big sur 15. good at camping 16. can fix my own car

9-25-2015

Dear Dad,

I’m glad you and Bradley have such a good relationship, but to be honest, hearing about it leaves me feeling cheated and alienated. You tell me about you guys throwing a football for hours. When I was his age, I remember you breaking my arm playing football in front of your house, and you doing nothing about it. I recall sitting on your porch in pain, watching you all continue playing, while my arm was broken, and some days later after going home to mom’s, going to the doctor. I also remember around that age being somewhere in public and you pouring your beer on my head and laughing. Many other lessons that I was worthless. That’s the treatment I got at Bradley’s age; that’s who you were then. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty here, and I’m working hard in therapy and other things to forgive you, to understand why you did those things, and to move beyond them. And I’m glad you and Bradley get along so well; he needs a good role model and I’m sure will grow up a stronger man for it. And I’m also glad you’re in my life. I see you call to check in on me and are interested in what I do. Mom and I aren’t very close; we haven’t talked in months. But it sets me back to hear about how you parent now. So please keep this in mind in the future: how you deal with children is a sensitive subject for me.

 

2017-07-17

Trying to initiate another habit of journaling each day.   Target: 7 days of entering something into this machine.  

Gratitude:

Have a great new book I’m reading: ‘The Orphan Master’s Son’ by Adam Johnson.  Its a well researched fiction about life in North Korea, and is the most excited I’ve been about reading  about in a long time.

Making $150k doing a job I really enjoy (currently in cyber security, typing lots of python code and doing data science).

Had a great bike ride with Steph (my new lady) around town yesterday; the weather was perfect and got some good reading done.

http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/science-of-happiness/

20170718

Day 2 of my week of journaling and doing an hour for myself in the mornings.  I had thrown away my cigarettes last night in a drunken stupor (again), only to wake up having forgotten and excited to get one in before Steph awoke.  Only upon checking my pockets did I realize my blunder; that I would have to wait until my commute started to get in the sweet smoke.  Drunken blunder because yet again I got 5 or 6 beers in at work with Tom and Josh while staying late.  I got into a bit of an argument with Tom and he lost his cool; he’s under a lot of stress and I know I’m pushing him hard.  But more importantly, I slip into drinking with him and drinking heavily.  The last weeks have become staying late at work, trying to get a product out the door, but mostly feeling like I need to be there to make sure he keeps working.  

In any case, its not good for my health to do this amount of drinking and smoking a day and I’ll need to stop giving in to his pushing for me to drink.

Gratitude:

1. I do really enjoy conversations with Tom and Josh and hanging out with them and the rest of the team for that matter.
2. Steph had a nice meal for me when I got home and listened when I complained about work.
3. I have a 3-d printer!